By Rev. Patti Nakai
These days I feel “my life sucks.” Shinran Shonin would say—bonnō gusoku – filled with irritation/misery. He often slung that description of himself and the human condition. We’re full of it; why should we expect otherwise?
I’m steeped in bonnō; clearly there’s nothing “blind” about it. Physically I’m in pain and discomfort from stage-four cancer in my spine and liver and the many side effects of radiation treatments and oral medications. My personal life has daily annoyances and stressful episodes. Add dukkha from seeing news about violence in our cities, country and world.
Get rid of blind passions!—meaning the term “blind passions,” the translation of bonnō. I’m tired of explaining there’s nothing “blind” (an ableist term) about bonnō. And “passions” conjures an archaic definition of agony describing “the passion of the Christ,” Jesus’s painful torture and crucifixion.
Using words many Nikkei (Japanese-Americans) know – “bon” of bonnō means annoying/irritating (Japanese: 煩 urusai) and “no” (of bonnō) means misery/grief (Japanese: 悩 nayami). These Chinese characters describe dukkha in Pali, which is first of the Four Noble Truths – “all life is subject to dukkha.” I use “friction” to describe dukkha –conflict between what we want and what is actually happening—broadly ranging from fleeting irritation (e.g. someone cuts you off in traffic) to deep lingering misery (e.g. someone close to you dies).
A phrase self-help people of various faiths, especially Buddhists, like to spout is “suffering is inevitable, misery is optional.” Yeah people, nice you have options but many of us can’t turn off self-pity and depression like a light switch with a little meditation or mantra. My emotional life is contained like a bottle of wastewater with the cap screwed tight. The best I can manage is letting the sludge settle occasionally after being shaken up.
Shōshinge (which we chant at services) says: Fu dan bonnō toku nehan, “Not separating from our irritation/misery, we are attained by Awakening.” I need not become perfectly calm and uncomplaining, shouting “I love my life!” to the world, but rather, in my defiled state I am embraced by the brightness and spaciousness we call Amida: unbounded Light, immeasurable Life. It’s okay if my particular life at this particular time sucks, because there’s a universe of wisdom and compassion that includes me regardless of my shitty attitude.
Nenbutsu is not my self-centered expression of gratitude and apology. It’s a shout, whisper, song, cry of the world, of life within and beyond my consciousness. It’s a reminder to know both within and outside my dirty bottled up world, there’s a variety of lives, all beautiful and worthy in their unique way despite my lack of awareness of them.
Those who read my blog Windy City Jodo Shinshu know I admire people who help others despite confronting their own personal suffering, such as disabled activist Alice Wong raising funds giving Internet access to Palestinians; detained spokesperson Mahmoud Khalil sharing food with fellow detainees and helping them with paperwork; marginalized Puerto Rican leader Cha Cha Jimenez bringing Black and white working class youths together to advocate for justice.
I can’t do much in my limited state, but my irritation/misery is no barrier to supporting those fighting oppression and violence that starve people, destroy their homes, and suppress their culture and identity.
I’m inspired by Buddhist teacher Bhikkhu Bodhi (see his recent talk) who says it’s not enough to wish all beings to be happy and free. We must act in concrete ways to make lives of others wholesome, with access to nature and healthcare, community support, cultural arts and opportunity for spiritual growth. Suffering may be inevitable but Amida’s vow liberates all beings, moving us to help fulfill that vow of bringing all to the Pure Land of joy, equality and freedom.
-Rev. Nakai is former minister of The Buddhist Temple of Chicago.